Post-Debate Running Diary

My column from

My retro-diary of Monday night’s CNN GOP primary debate. (I know it’s a cheap rip-off of a Bill Simmons concept. But…but…you’re not the boss of me.)

7:54 The Pre-Game Handshakes

The candidates file-out onstage one-by-one. Romney is acting like the party host, ushering people down the greeting line, “Michelle, you’ve met Tim, right? He was governor of your state. Thanks for coming, can I get you anything to drink?” This subtle condescension is the political equivalent of bouncing up-and-down in the tunnel and screaming “We must protect this house!”

During the group photo Ron Paul looks uncomfortable. He always does. Like he doesn’t know where to place his hands.

8:01 Introductions

The opening introductions turn into a procreation competition. Pawlenty announces he has two kids. Cain tops him with two kids and three grandkids. Romney announces that he has spawned five sons and 16 grandkids. Santorum says he has seven kids. Seven! You can almost feel that he’s about to fist pump when Bachmann calmly throws down that she has five kids and 23 foster children. Everyone exhales in defeat. And then…amidst the silence Paul says, “I’ve delivered 4,000 babies.”

Read the entire column here.


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